PEOSC WUT

So I went down to Kingston. Fucking love engineering conferences.

Let's just say that the conference itself was interesting but ran on for way too long. The nightlife, on the other hand, is amazing. Engineers from around the world have so many things in common, but are different enough to make things interesting. We share the same cheers, but with different verses. We love drinking, but some like beer and others rum. We all are hideous nerd-freaks.

I designed an eco-friendly house that I was thinking about refining. It would be really cool to present to the city as a viable housing option. We'll see if people think I'm a genius or a retard. Don't answer that.

If you haven't found Google Mystery yet, hit it up. It's become an engine for 'missions', where clicking 'search' will usually turn up some sort of mission a previous user has left for you. I used it to get random strangers to text my girlfriend cute messages, because I'm a lazy ass who can't do it himself, and has no regards for his loved one's safety from creepers. I mean, I'm sweet. Who would doubt.

New tip: Bring reusable containers to grocery stores to pack fruits and veggies and meat, or to take-out places. Save the environment and all that.

Okay guys. I made port-wine braised shrimp with kung pao sauce, and it is fucking glorious. PAECE OUT.

Let's Go

So not a lot has happened recently.

I've been divvying up my time between work, school and social life. It's like I have a severe case of schizophrenia where all my personalities are boring people. In a misguided attempt to fix the apathy pervading every aspect of my life, I've given myself something new to do every day. Most of the time they go unfinished because I'm an idiot and like to set unachievable goals, but I figure at least one of them will get done and I'll be able to brag about it endlessly.

Most of the ideas involve climbing buildings and eating various objects. So, yeah.

Retrospectively, I've not become the person I've always wanted to be. Very few people do. I don't find it a problem, but I woke up one day and looked at myself and was slightly bewildered as to how I got this way. I am, dare I say it?, happy with my life as it is, something I never thought possible. It's helped in part by the massive daily dosage of affection I receive from my wonderful significant other, of course.

Anyways. I figure it's time to set out who I want to be, and strive towards that, making any necessary changes down the road. I'm switching my daily tasks from pointless adventures to character-building experiences.

First off, I want to learn how to cook. I've been buying various flavouring packets and trying to memorize what goes in them so I can recreate it. I'll cook something new every week. That seems fair - 52 recipes in a year.

I also want to increase my contributions to society. I think that I'll volunteer for something new once a week, or at least a few times a month. Maybe even unrequested assistance, like picking up trash at a park or something.

I want to buff up. I will fight people once a week. In sparring, I mean.

Most importantly, I want to make new friends. I'll be able to do that through my other activities, but I think I will invite people over to hang on, maybe on 'try new recipe' day. We shall see.

There are so many things to do. My goal in life is to have something interesting to say when someone asks, "So what's up?". Live laugh share play.

Not going to, though

I feel like I should update.

And ze bottles, they are for the toenail clippings

A sign of my depravity is using the dirty cups on my desk as miniature garbage cans, or using old dryer sheets as table rags.

On another note, frosh week is being awesome, even if my body feels like a piece of shit.

AWESOME DAY

I went to the CNE with Bonnie today. It was ridiculous.

1. We got there and screamed at everything.
2. We went to Ontario place, got bored after 2 mins and then went back.
3. We saw a dog show in which retarded dogs ran circuits and tiny deer-dogs jumped over bars.
4. We went to the bathroom.
5. We ate lots of free pretzels and dip.
6. We tried on hats.
7. We tried on wigs.
8. We ate jerk chicken and pad thai.
9. We watched an angry child lick a knife.
10. We drank beer.
11. We saw a dude with CRAZY sideburns.
12. We watched a light show.
13. We saw pitcher plants and sand sculptures.
14. We ignored the Harmonicats.
15. WE WERE ON A TRAIN OMG.
16. We saw sheep, horses, cows, pigs (and piglets), turkeys, chickens and ALPACAS.
17. We saw ostrich domestic violence.
18. We rode a ferris wheel.
19. We laughed at Elvis Stojko.
20. We didn't laugh at the ventriloquist.
21. We were impressed by an escape artist.
22. We were impressed by a juggler.
23. We watched a Hawaiian man eat.
24. We ate spicy salad.
25. We got scared by a puppet farm.
26. We were visited by a mysterious gypsy stranger.
27. We went home. FOREVER.

<3

Tarzan has nothing on me

I'm 21, I have a car, a steady job, a good education, a gorgeous grillfriend, the opportunity to travel where my heart might so desires, a bunch of excellent friends, and perfect health, and I can't help but feel bad. Let's run away into the woods and live like animals.

I have twitter now. It's something I don't like but I'm forced to use. Like flossing, or pants.

If you ever get the chance to see The Decemberists in concert and do not go, I will kick your ovaries into a lake.

A band who plays a full album and then goes on to play another album's worth of songs, and then comes back with a three song encore is worth the burning, standing-for-four-hours pain in my shapely calves.

Downtown Downtown

I went downtown yesterday with this particular girl who has an uncanny ability to find me wherever I hide. I maintain that it's because she implanted a tracking device under my skin while I was sleeping or distracted.

We took the subway down to Queen St (I held a banana), and checked out Urban Outfitters, where she bought a shirt (from the men's section), and we read a couple books about poop and learned to type on a typewriter by maniacally banging our open palms into the keyboard.

We walked down to the Condom Shack, but left quickly because I feel intimidated and jealous that pieces of silicone can do a better job than me. Instead, we went to the Black Market clothiers - they raised their prices but I still got two shirts, one with Lois Lane being clubbed in the back of the head - MMMPH! - and the other was a skeletal diagram of a torso. I finally polished off the McDonald's cheeseburger that I'd been holding the entire day, while spacegirl chowed down a banana (no innuendo).

We popped into Silver Snail (comics and collectibles) and checked out the cool toys - including dragon plush toys with obvious facial deformities. There were cool LOTR statuettes and lots of comics. I nerded it out pretty well while she rolled her eyes and sighed at me. I is winrar.

Uhm, we went to American Apparel... and the questionably-gay salesman showed us baby versions of their most popular outfits. There were BABY DISCO PANTS. I don't know what kind of parent would torture their kids like that, although I gotta admit my mom used to dress me in purple and yellow, so... anyways, we contemplated kidnapping a couple of asian babies to dress up and send back to their parents.

We also devised my new Halloween costume. Pink polo from American Eagle, slitted sunglasses, crocs, my sister's jeans, and a livestrong bracelet and I can be a douchebag!

One of the best comments came as we passed by a Lush Body Shop - they sell bath soaps and stuff - and they had a 'FREE SCRUB' ad outside the door. Walking in was like stepping into a soap factory - my nose almost died. We decided that the free scrub referred to a stranger giving you a vigorous face-scrubbing with a loofa and left. But before we exited the store, Sparky pointed at a RANDOM slice of brown soap and said, "That looks like your MOM." I lawled for 10 minutes.

Then I sat on a patio eating sammiches in the sunlight with a pretty girl (the waitress, we were at Black Bull on Queen st). So. Win.

And then we walked to Kensington Market. There were many cheese shops and unique clothing stores. I found a shirt that said "I KNOW YOU BRIAN" on the front and HAD to get it, even more so when I saw the back and it read, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST WINTER IN HONG KONG BRIAN LIBERATION FRONT."

We also saw an old man on a bike that was so still he looked like a statue. For some reason, when he actually started moving it was the funniest thing EVER and we both burst out laughing. I'm pretty sure we have some sort of extensive mental damage.

The night ended in the Royal York. We didn't have a room, we just sat in the lobby. She tested my devotion with, "If I were a fingerless, ugly, old and fat retard, would you still love me?"

Then she tickled me until I was gasping like a fish in a desert. She gave me the most retarded hug (straight arms and clapping like one of those cymbal monkeys) and then said she would punch me and steal my soul necklace.

Then it was BAI tyme and I got on the bus to go home. The bus driver told me my ticket was invalid and I'd have to buy another one but by that point I really didn't give a shit.

Hurt kids O YA

I've been getting WAY too much exercise this past week. I've climbed so many monkey bars my hands look like monkey feet.

Every day, I go down to the park, and scale the outside of jungle gyms while little children watch on in stunned curiousity. I'm sure I'm going to be responsible for at least a hundred injured toddlers as they try to vault fences and climb trees with their pudgy little arms.

Someone call the Mystery Machine

I had this really weird dream last night.

I was in my Hamilton house, cleaning my room, and I bumped into the wall. It made this eerie, hollow sound, so I knocked on it again. My room is in the basement, yet it sounded like there was something behind the wall, where there should be only dirt.

Scratching away the paint, I found the outline of a door.

Now, the time frame within the dream takes places when my old housemates still lived with me, so I called for Alex and Lisa (dunno where Allan was). We managed to pry open the door, revealing a long, dark stairwell descending down, deep within the bowels of the earth itself.

It was pitch black, so I pulled out my phone - there's a powerful flashlight built in - and we began our descent. Even with a flashlight, the darkness was overwhelming. Everything outside the light's purvey was black and opaque.

The stairs continued down, then made an abrupt turn, leading to another flight parallel to the first. We continued down three flights, stumbling in the utter, sheer darkness.

Finally, at the bottom, we found a door set into the wall. Carefully opening it, we discovered a narrow corridor, with doors stretching down every wall.

Opening the doors revealed nothing but blank brick walls. One door, however, proved otherwise, and we all entered...

Only to find a perfectly ordinary laundry/furnace room, perhaps a bit dusty, but otherwise, completely innocuous. Shelves lined the walls. We found a pile of clothes, which somehow contained all the clothes we've ever lost or given away. I found a pair of jeans that (in real life) I still have not been able to find.

And on the shelves were boxes of Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I kid you not.

Then I woke up, and went out into the living room, to find Alex and Lisa visiting for the day. Creepy, n'est pas? I told them about my dream, then remembered -wait- wasn't Lisa supposed to be at her cottage today?

Then I woke up again for real, looked up at my ceiling, and said "Dammit" out loud.

WEEOOOOOOAAAAWWWW!!!

You know when you realize that special someone is meant for you, they say a choir of heavenly angels breaks into chorus and a light comes down from the sky?

That didn't happen, but there was this bitchin' awesome death metal guitar solo that melted my fucking face off. God, I love b. I failed so hard I won.

If every day was like that, I wouldn't even need these happy pills anymore! (note: I am joking, I do not actually have happy pills, so stop asking for them)

Lights Camera Achtung

We are rockus and delicious, as they say.

If anyone reads this, say aye.

I have a job in which I sit and desperately read computer manuals, because the lack of work now somehow ignites a fear in my mind that there will be uncontrollable amounts of work later. In which case I am inviting a disaster, like farting in a submarine. Or hiring a color-blind, dyslexic fashion consultant to pick out my graduation suit.

Outside of work, I really don't have anything to do. There's just this general apathy that takes over me in the summer. My best guess is that during winter, I need to keep my energy up to prevent from freezing to death, but during summer, the combination of warm sun and lack of hard work do that job for me. Like a freakish lizard-baby. A freakish lizard-baby farting in a submarine full of color-blind dyslexics. Only horror can ensue.

In recent news, Archie marries Veronica after a 70-year long love triangle. I'm a prude and even I realize that's way too fucking long to wait. I have always entertained in my mind the thought that Archie was just a comedic version of Hugh Hefner - or just a regular version, since Hugh is obviously already a fucking joke - and would end up with an entire harem of ladies from Riverdale High. I'm surprised his nuts still work, with all the random depraved sex that occurs just off-panel.

BRB

Naked Potato

A conversation:

"Arrrrghhh. Why is it so fucking warm?!"
"Hey, don't swear."
"Jesus, fine!"
"And don't use the Lord's name in vain!"
"Alright. But it's friggin' hot!"
"Well, you are wearing long pants under a down blanket."
"Ugh. My underwear is getting really sweaty."
"That's gross. Take it off."
"What?"
"Just take your pants off."
"But... I'll be naked."
"Yeah, but you're under a blanket."
"My door is open!"
"It's the middle of the night, no one is going to see anything."
"I guess. Ugh, stupid long pants. Stupid underwear. Okay, now I'm naked."
"Haha, I can't believe I convinced you to do that."
"Well, I'm not that hot anymore."
"But now your naked body is all over your bedsheets."
"I'll wash them tomorrow. Plus I'm clean."
"I wonder if anyone else can hear us."
"They're probably sleeping."
"Yeah but I thought I just heard Lise cough."
"She's probably terrified."
"Kristie might hear us, she's just upstairs."
"She's outside doing silly things. That's why the window is closed, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Well, I guess her actions led to me taking off my clothes... That's sort of innuendo."
"Or maybe you're just stupid."
"I'm not stupid. I'm just crazy."
"You're the one who took off your clothes! That's stupid."
"I'm really hungry is what I am. I want food."
"What, at... 2 a.m.?"
"Yeah. But I'm too tired to make anything..."
"How about chips, do you have any chips?"
"Ugh, I don't want to eat chips. Salt and stuff all over my PJs."
"You're not in your PJs. You're naked."
"Oh. You're right."

So I spent a good hour sitting naked in my bed eating potato chips. Talking to myself.

Work

I have a job.

It doesn't involve sharks or dinosaurs, and there are no lasers except those in the printers. But I sit around and do technical stuff and talk about swine flu (H1N1 = Hini = Heinie, geddit?).

I was doing some ip work on one of the office computers when my mouse started moving by itself. I thought I was hallucinating but then it began opening random windows and I freaked out a little bit. After my coworkers had revived me by shoving Ritalin down my throat and called a guy to repair the photocopier, I went back to the computer, only to find A MESSAGE waiting for me.

"Dig forty paces north of the statue of the praying woman," it said. I bought a shovel, and spent the next hour burrowing through worm-rotted corpses of the long-ago dead, before I found a jade ring with the inscription, "To my beloved Alice, may the wind take you swiftly."

Okay no I don't work in Silent Hill.

I Wish I Could Wear Monocles

I always thought forte sounded like some sort of drink. It would be a drink pretentious people would order - like a grande forte - and would be filled with all sorts of expensive sounding things, like Guava Extract, Fufuberry Juice, and the anal glands of Persian cats.

Maybe it's just the 'é' at the end of the word. Grand-ay. Fort-ay. I don't think people understand that to speak pig latin, you need to move the first letter to the end of the word. But considering all the hype about the swine flu, I can understand why people are being a little cautious. I was surprised too. I mean, people always told me that pigs couldn't fly, and now everyone is talking about swine flew.

Ramen noodles look like big blonde pubic hairs.

Stabbed in the Nuts

So I had the weirdest dream last night.

Some back story: I rarely ever dream. Like good movies starring Ben Stiller, they only come by once in a blue moon (Okay, not fair, Mr. Stiller makes good movies, if you like making fun of retards). When I do have a dream, it's usually insanely disturbing, in which immense violence is usually visited upon me, proving once and for all that my subconscious really is trying to kill me.

Wahahahahoo

Anyways, to the dream. I was in church arguing with my mother. She wanted me to go to an international school in Switzerland. I have never been to Switzerland, in real life or in dreams, so I had no idea why I would ever imagine going to school there, let alone visit - what's Switzerland good for anyways? All they have are boring things like banks, army knives, and Jon Huber.

My mom got pretty upset when I told her I didn't want to go to school in Switzerland - in fact, she said it was disappointing, and that I always upset her like this. She got up and left, and drove away, leaving me to get home by myself. Dammit.

I walked outside - it was dark and snowy. Luckily, Aaron Ho was randomly standing by the door. "Hey man. Do you have a quarter I can use to call a cab?" I asked. He gave me a quarter and walked with me to the pay phones, which were located near the curb.

I started dialing the number and was about to finish when Aaron suddenly poked me. "Yo. Watch out."

Through the snow, a man in a white T-shirt and blue jeans approached us, despite the cold. He was stumbling and obviously intoxicated - he reeked of alcohol. "Heeeeey, hey..." he slurred. "Gnasyyearrghh."

"Whoa." I hung up the phone with a click and backed away. "Look man, I don't want any trouble."

A voice behind me suddenly called, "Hey! Hey, get away from those guys! Stand down!" It was the chef from the church (I have no idea why there was a chef. Maybe they need him to make the Eucharist fluffy and tasty?), standing on the steps and waving at us.

I turned back to the drunk. He was really close now, within arm's reach. I suddenly grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his side. He started to make agitated moans, struggling to free himself, but I held on, shouting at him to just stop before he hurt himself.

Suddenly, Aaron yelled, "Look out!" and I heard a sharp "Snickt!" Before I knew what was happening, the man bent over, reached between his legs with a hand, and stabbed me in the left nut with a switchblade. I felt the cold metal slide into my body on a primitive level and as the shock hit me, I woke up.

My special bits were cradled gently in my hand, and my heart was pounding. Fuck my subconcious, seriously.

Office Bitch

I have a job now.


I'm working as a technical writer for the university. This job entails bending over and taking it from the massive tangle of shit we call the McMaster University website. It'll be my job to navigate and map the horribly wrangled, dimly-lit corners of the server. For 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, 16 weeks a summer.

At least Kristie is working a block away from me. By the time September rolls around, we'll be married and have six children. She'll gain 40 pounds, let go of her appearance. I'll be out at the bars every night, peeing in public, yelling at little children... Wait. I do that anyways. Huh. Cool.

Random Bus Adventures

This was my day:

Fuck Yeah

I woke up this morning, bright and early. I made myself a breakfast of chicken noodle soup (which contains 2 days of sodium but is fucking amazing), then listened to daft punk in my underwear (harder better faster stronger also applies to things I do in the privacy of my own room). I had a workout after watching scenes from my favourite kung fu movies, because they tend to make me want to beat something up. Unfortunately, I can only deal my rage out on my pillow, because it doesn't fight back.

After my vigorous exercise, I walked/skipped/performed a random dance routine with strangers/etc to school and spent the next few hours locked in a tiny room with Jay, studying MechTron 3TB4 - and I actually learned something useful: Tron sucks. We also postulated that Jay is a superhero, whose power is to make others around him racist. I started off the year with a resolution not to swear, and somehow, Jay has subconciously influenced me so every other word out of my mouth is fuck, and the other is nigger/chink/wop/etc.


I headed over to Thode, bothered Hobo and Christian who happened to be doing very important studying, and eventually decided to message Nik about a random bus adventure. 20 minutes later, we were on a bus headed to the middle of nowhereville.

We stopped at the end of the line, at some cool-looking park. There were greenhouses (with broken windows, probably dudes out for MJ), an outdoor auditorium, and a fountain. East Hamilton is sketchy. Some girl was making out with her boyfriend in the auditorium, then told me I couldn't smoke crack or she'd call the police. Then she said, "Just kidding. But seriously, if you have some, share. Just kidding." I attempted to escape by jumping a fence (badly), and I heard her say, "Oh my GAWD that guy just committed suicide! Just kidding." Fuck East Hamilton.

We eventually ended up walking around some more, including exploring some back alleys (because two dudes walked out of a back alley isn't sketchy at ALL). We saw a car with slashed tires and got accosted by a hobo. But still, it's safer than the coffee shop in the engineering building. We ended up walking from downtown to an awesome looking cathedral, then hiked alongside the highway for about a half hour. Then we walked all the way back to campus, where the night ended in the Eng Lounge. Badass.

All in all, a pretty good day. My hair is full of woodchips, my hands smell like hobo and birdshit, and my legs feel like they've trekked to Zimbabwe, but at least I've got a night to recover before I pull the same shit tomorrow.

Lint? LINT?!

Goddamn my navel itches. Thanks a lot, doc, for cutting off part of my body, knotting it up, and then sticking it in the closest available hole, which is incidentally the only part of me that could've become an awesome acid sprayer. Asshole.

Adventure Timez

So what's with this weather? For you readers (haha, I have readers?) out there not privileged enough to live in the beautiful North, Mother Nature snorted too much powdered candy, got herself way trashed at the club last night, passed out on Paris Hilton's couch and woke up in Mexico with a one-way ticket to Zimbabwe stuffed into her pink frilly bra. Basically, I wake up one day to astoundingly warm weather (why do I ever NEED clothes?) and then get out of the bed the next morning to my room feeling and smelling like a walk-in fridge at M&M meat shops.

I'm pretty glad I bought that "Engineering" leather jacket now. Fucking groundhog.

In other news, I heard of that earthquake in Italy. I'm actually surprised everything BUT the leaning tower fell down. It just proves to me that we're still stuck in the Matrix. As a result, I've been eating every red pill I can find to escape, but nothing new has appeared except the flying pink unicorns and the hair growing on my boobs.

I could probably climb that shit easily. I mean, what? it's 15 degrees to the vertical, and I can climb pretty much anything. Actually, I was once bit by a radioactive gecko - It gave me greasy skin, the ability to cling to walls, a big fucking mouth, and I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance! Yeah fine, I never said this blog was funny, so fuck off.

Seriously, it's pretty crazy how much random shit is happening. Earthquakes, for one. What the hell, planet Earth? It's like the ground has Parkinson's - take some shit for that, okay? It's bad enough having shitty buildings like that hideous structure my neighbor calls a house, and I really appreciate the destruction, but having my lawn covered in fucking rubble and dead bodies isn't pleasant either. And don't even get me started on volcanoes - I hear Clearasil is pretty good for acne, why don't you take a trip to Shopper's Drug Mart and pick some up?

Actually, you know what WOULD be terrifying? Hybrid disasters. Like a Volnado - a tornado full of volcanoes, just spinning around and shooting fire everywhere. Or a meteorlanche. Or Paris Hilton plus Rosie O'Donnell - WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU!!11!12!!one!!1

Speaking of which, I watched that Paris Hilton show, BFF or something. I know I've been pretty harsh on her before, but I would like to say: Paris, I take back what I said. You're not the dumbest person on earth. That title belongs to anyone who would sign up, humilate themselves, cry on national television, and do other unspeakable horrors, all to hang out with you until you get tired of them. I'm sorry.

Gosh, do I hate people. Things like this are corrupting our youth, while parents blame video games and shit for making kids violent. Seriously, any game that teaches me that I should kick the shit out of zombies is fine by me. Just wait for that post-apocalyptic wasteland and I'll be raging the fuck out of those irradiated bastards.

In conclusion: Fuck salt.

CEC New Brunswick

First day of CEC, and things are off to a pretty good start.

We drove down to Pearson at 5 a.m., but got lost trying to find parking, and arrived 3 minutes after the check-in deadline. Basically, we missed our flight.

Fortunately, we caught the next flight to St. John, which meant we didn't have to stop over in Montreal as we were scheduled to do originally. This actually saved us a few hours - and we even got to eat breakfast (Egg + Bacon + Cheese + Croissant = AWESOME).

We landed in St. John at around 11 local time, and found out the bus to Fredrickton was only due at around 6. Luckily, car rental was only slightly more expensive, so we got a Pontiac 5, and ended up driving 2 hours to Fredrickton.

As I put it, "We've had a bunch of messups that actually worked out in our favour."

Lunch at The Lunar Rogue - Seafood Linguine

Lindsey and Cory had a meeting a 5 they were unaware of, and it wasn't on the schedule.

Missed the Wine and Cheese thing.


Debates were screwy. Opposition won majority because of weird resolutions. Format was different than OEC. French team was awesome.

Afterwards, went for dinner at Mexicali Rosa's and ate a BIG AS YOUR HEAD BURRITO. Then went to Dooly's where Direct Energy bought 1500 dollars worth of booze for everyone. Had 4 double Rye and cokes, then some guy bought me a beer. Afterwards, went to Nikki Z's and had two Rum and cokes for 2 bucks each, and after went to some pizza place "best pizza in town" for a huge slice of DONAIR PIZZA.

Joke debate

Pub crawl

*Update: The pub crawl erased all remaining memory of the trip. Sorry!

WUT

I learned three things from my trip to New Brunswick.

a) Debating against French people is terrifying.

b) The Ninja Turtles were actually Frenchmen in gimp masks and muscle suits.

c) NB IS A MAGIC LAND WHERE LOBSTER FALLS FROM THE SKY LIKE RAIN.

Love This Course

Ways I have mispronounced my class, "3SH3 Operating Systems Concepts"

3SX3 Operator Syntax Concierge
3 something it's got an M in it I think
The course with the dinosaurs
Operating fucking awesome shit
Prom Dress Salmonella
Systems of Operating Things
Fucking Impossible Concepts


The other day, someone asked me to 'step outside'. I assumed he meant that I should get some fresh air or play a rousing game of organized sports, but then he started hitting me, and I was crying and bleeding and wondering why we weren't playing soccer or something and I think I blacked out.

I really need to find a new school. My professor is sort of violent.

End of Ze World

One day, parasites will learn to emulate delicious hamburgers and then we're all screwed.

Snack Mix

Justin says:
Yo
Justin says:
I fucking love snack mix.
Justin says:
It's got everything in it.
Justin says:
Like, I like pretzels
Justin says:
but not too many at once
Justin says:
Like, I'm not going to go out and buy a bag of rold gold, if you know what I mean.
Justin says:
Too many hard salty sticks isn't my thing. Maybe for Clay Aiken.
Justin says:
But man, fucking snack mix.
Justin says:
Love that shit.
Justin says:
It's got like, a million different things in it.
Justin says:
Even those ring-o's. Those things are so -fucking- delicious.
Justin says:
and not only that
Justin says:
You can put them on your fingers
Justin says:
and eat them off
Justin says:
That's versatility!
LISEASAUR - "But little did he know that you are made ENTIRELY OUT OF WIN" - Albatross says:
you are foolish
Justin says:
And wait, there's more
Justin says:
There's Doritos and Cheetos in there
Justin says:
Like, cheese. It's some powdered shit
Justin says:
but who cares?
Justin says:
I don't even like Doritos that much by themselves.
Justin says:
Like, my mom bought me this big bag of those 'fusion' ones.
Justin says:
Hot Wings and Blue Cheese
LISEASAUR - "But little did he know that you are made ENTIRELY OUT OF WIN" - Albatross says:
ew
Justin says:
But you have to eat them together. Like, who eats wings without dip? A sad person, let me tell you.
Justin says:
And who eats dip by itself? That's pretty gross.
Justin says:
So you have to shove two fucking triangles in your mouth at the same time.
Justin says:
And you end up looking like a goddamn Ewok.

Hey Guys

Hi, I'm Justin, I'm in 3rd year Mechatronics and nothing else - just straight Tron. I didn't feel like a year of my life was worth a commerce degree. I'm a little high strung, as you can see. For those of you that have met me, you know I'm a little bit excitable, and for those of you that haven't met me... heheheh.

I like Tron because I theoretically get to build robots and stuff, but in reality I'm probably going to end up crying in an office somewhere in Nebraska. I have a friend who's doing that right now, his name is fish boy. That's not his real name, obviously, but he has this really big lips and eyes that make him look like an anime character invented by Stephen King. Don't let that discourage you.

I like playing guitar and running around excitably. Apparently, the last girl who was up here can't spell the word Galactica, so I'm going to go ahead and change that. I'm good at English too. I'm pretty much, like, the most bestest at it.

Turn to your left and turn to your right. People will tell you that one of those people will fail. That's negative thinking. Instead, look at those people again. I tell you that one of them will pass. Hey, I'm not going to stand up here and lie to you. I'm not even getting paid for this.

When I came to McMaster in my first year, I was freaked out and exhilarated at the same time. Think back to the last time you went skydiving, or bungee jumping, or you accidentally mixed cheese and chocolate and found it tasted awesome. It's slightly like that. Fortunately, I met a great group of friends who helped me settle in, and none of them looked like a fish.

The biggest way to enjoy your university experience is to get involved. It sounds cliche, I know, and I feel like I should be some big-name celebrity like... John Travolta? Is he still famous? Okay, good, I feel like I should be John Travolta saying this to you: "Participate!" Some of the best friends you'll make are in clubs where you share interests, or at events you both go to. I met my current girlfriend at the "Lonely singles who are so desperate they drink themselves into a stupor every night while looking for a date" club. Haha, no, that's a lie, I don't have a girlfriend, but I'm probably going to end up in a drunken stupor tonight anyways.

University can be tough. I'm not going to mince words - it does make you crazy. Sorry, I was just thinking about how rocks smell. They have no nose, you see? But university, while mind-breaking, is endurable, and eventually when you get your degree and end up working in McDonald's anyways, you'll be glad you did it.

Your prof is giving me a weird look. I think that means that maybe I should sit down soon.

All I have left to say is, you're stuck here for the next 4 years, give or take another 5, so you better make the best of it. Get out there. Explore. Adventure. Live. The university is an oyster, and you're fish boy. Go get that pearl.

Thanks a lot ladies and gentlemen. Live long and prosper, and may the Force be with you.

Maybe They're All Aliens?

It's the last day of my winter break, and I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends.

"I think I'll get a Blowjob," one of my friends says, referring to the alcoholic drink.

"You would, wouldn't you?" I quip. The girl next to me smacks me in the arm.

Another friend at the end of the table orders an Orgasm. I wonder if the bar makes an attraction around sex-based drinks. I furtively look for a Rusty Trombone, or a Dirty Sanchez. Nope. I settle for a pitcher of Rickard's Red, my preferred choice of beer.

We spend the next few minutes catching up. After months away at school, it's nice to see old friends again, and I've known most of them for almost 13 years. We reminisce about old times, bringing back waves of nostalgia. There was that time a classmate yelled "FUCK" really loud into a silent room, or the year where I had to dress up as a girl in our school's rendition of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Good times.

"Excuse me," I interrupt, getting to my feet. I'm feeling slightly woozy. "But I drank too much liquid and now I need to piss."

My friend stands up. He's wobbling. "I'll come with you."

The girls start to laugh. I pause. "Hey, you ladies always go to the bathroom in pairs. Talk about double standards."

As we stagger off to the washrooms, the thought stays on my mind. Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups? Are they plotting the domination of men? Performing mystical rituals? Are they sharing makeup tips? Making out?

I shake my head. Maybe there are some secrets better left untold. I'm a guy anyways - I'll never figure it out, and I'm sure as hell not dressing like a girl again.

I pee and forget about it.

Downtown

It's New Year's Eve's Eve, and I'm far downtown with three close friends. It's biting cold, and the frosty wind evades coats and scarves, slipping freezing fingers down our backs. Instead of sitting by a cozy, warm fire, reading a engaging novel, I've been dragged out by three pathodemonic assholes whom I have the misfortune of loving to the point of icing my nads for. I may have misjudged my friends' capacity for torture.

The overcast sky is swiftly darkening by the time we reach downtown, and the crowds upon crowds of tourists, bored teenagers, homeless wanderers, religious zealots, and possibly illegal immigrants are beginning to disperse back to their homes, vents, and caves. I keep my eyes peeled for the odd straggler - from previous experiences, the ones that stay separate from the crowd have a reason to be, whether it's drugs, alcohol, or just plain rebelliousness. Any way you look at it, it's the lone wolves that are dangerous. Call me a paranoid maniac, but I call it like I see it.

Fortunately, no one jumps out of an alleyway to steal my lunch money. I take the time to glance up, at the clouded sky. Not much to see, especially on a winter's night. The thick blanket of clouds obscures the stars, and any possible invading alien ships. Even so, the streetlights would drown them out anyways. There are no stars in the big city. Worse, it starts to rain slightly, a slushy mix of snow and water drizzling down onto our heads. I put my hood up, but it only focuses the wind into my face, and I accidentally eat a few strands of hair. Blargh.

We pass by a homeless man sitting in a doorway, and I drop him a dollar. "Find a nice place to sleep tonight. It's cold." I have an affinity with the down-and-out, probably due to a mutual understanding of the craziness of the world. I already have a lot of ripped clothing and hand-me-downs in my closet, so if I ever decide to live the free life of garbage cans and pigeon catching, I'm already halfway there. My friends are jumping on flower planters and screaming at passerbys. I grin. I'm nearly 3/4 homeless with the company I keep - I have the insanity part down pat.

Standing at the corner, underneath a shop overhang, is a young man with a binder under his arm. He spots us passing by, and asks for a few minutes of our time. Making a quick decision, I take the initiative and stop, because I really do enjoy meeting random street people and hearing their stories. My friends don't look too pleased, but they aren't going to leave me (I hope), and stand in an awkward semicircle around the stranger. I realize we're blocking up half the sidewalk, but I can't be bothered to squish together, in case he has a knife or an alien chestburster ready to kill me. You can never be too careful.

He introduces himself as a member of Doctors Without Borders, and a PoliSci major. I suppose he's not going to try and bite my neck out, so I take a step closer. One of my friends teases him for being an artsie, but he takes it with a gracious laugh. He explains his situation, citing many numbers and statistics, the rising AIDS problem in Africa, and the work MSF does. It's all very interesting, especially the comments he makes about how the entrance exam consists of being bitten by rabid wolverines. I shuffle my feet, trying to keep warm, as he rattles off complicated facts about AIDS, Ebola, and other viruses that would make your skin crawl (or dissolve). The same friend segues into a discussion about mongooses, which he vehemently declares 'pussies'. He redeems himself by claiming albatrosses are 'terrifying' and that platypussies... platypusi... platypusses... more than one platypus are 'awesome'.

In the end, he asks us for a donation of 2 dollars a day. In response, all of us gape open-mouthed. We often don't have enough money to buy lunch every day. 2 dollars is a king's ransom to a student. Instead, we promise to spread the word, and volunteer our time. In my head, I am thinking OH NO THE AIDS WILL COME GET ME FOR NOT DONATING. As we walk away, I watch him stop another couple, and wonder how dedicated a person has to be to volunteer to stand outside in the freezing rain. I stop when I realize I've been walking in the rain for hours hanging out with my friends. I suppose we're both in similar boats.

Shops are closing up left and right, and all the stores I normally frequent are locked and barred. Looking around, I notice the streets slowly emptying. The nightlife awakens, and suddenly the streets are full of music from open bars, blares of screeching horns from cranky drivers, and tight-knit groups of users smoking in alleyways. I smile thoughtfully, and then look for my friends. They're molesting a metal statue off in the distance.

Screw it. I run to join them.

Happy New Year

I spent the New Year playing Smash Bros, watching 30 Days of Night, and reading Ender's Game. What a polymorph.

I also took my dog for a walk today and she headbutted me in the crotch really hard. According to GTCMNC, that's good luck... or bad... something.