Stabbed in the Nuts

So I had the weirdest dream last night.

Some back story: I rarely ever dream. Like good movies starring Ben Stiller, they only come by once in a blue moon (Okay, not fair, Mr. Stiller makes good movies, if you like making fun of retards). When I do have a dream, it's usually insanely disturbing, in which immense violence is usually visited upon me, proving once and for all that my subconscious really is trying to kill me.

Wahahahahoo

Anyways, to the dream. I was in church arguing with my mother. She wanted me to go to an international school in Switzerland. I have never been to Switzerland, in real life or in dreams, so I had no idea why I would ever imagine going to school there, let alone visit - what's Switzerland good for anyways? All they have are boring things like banks, army knives, and Jon Huber.

My mom got pretty upset when I told her I didn't want to go to school in Switzerland - in fact, she said it was disappointing, and that I always upset her like this. She got up and left, and drove away, leaving me to get home by myself. Dammit.

I walked outside - it was dark and snowy. Luckily, Aaron Ho was randomly standing by the door. "Hey man. Do you have a quarter I can use to call a cab?" I asked. He gave me a quarter and walked with me to the pay phones, which were located near the curb.

I started dialing the number and was about to finish when Aaron suddenly poked me. "Yo. Watch out."

Through the snow, a man in a white T-shirt and blue jeans approached us, despite the cold. He was stumbling and obviously intoxicated - he reeked of alcohol. "Heeeeey, hey..." he slurred. "Gnasyyearrghh."

"Whoa." I hung up the phone with a click and backed away. "Look man, I don't want any trouble."

A voice behind me suddenly called, "Hey! Hey, get away from those guys! Stand down!" It was the chef from the church (I have no idea why there was a chef. Maybe they need him to make the Eucharist fluffy and tasty?), standing on the steps and waving at us.

I turned back to the drunk. He was really close now, within arm's reach. I suddenly grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his side. He started to make agitated moans, struggling to free himself, but I held on, shouting at him to just stop before he hurt himself.

Suddenly, Aaron yelled, "Look out!" and I heard a sharp "Snickt!" Before I knew what was happening, the man bent over, reached between his legs with a hand, and stabbed me in the left nut with a switchblade. I felt the cold metal slide into my body on a primitive level and as the shock hit me, I woke up.

My special bits were cradled gently in my hand, and my heart was pounding. Fuck my subconcious, seriously.

Office Bitch

I have a job now.


I'm working as a technical writer for the university. This job entails bending over and taking it from the massive tangle of shit we call the McMaster University website. It'll be my job to navigate and map the horribly wrangled, dimly-lit corners of the server. For 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, 16 weeks a summer.

At least Kristie is working a block away from me. By the time September rolls around, we'll be married and have six children. She'll gain 40 pounds, let go of her appearance. I'll be out at the bars every night, peeing in public, yelling at little children... Wait. I do that anyways. Huh. Cool.

Random Bus Adventures

This was my day:

Fuck Yeah

I woke up this morning, bright and early. I made myself a breakfast of chicken noodle soup (which contains 2 days of sodium but is fucking amazing), then listened to daft punk in my underwear (harder better faster stronger also applies to things I do in the privacy of my own room). I had a workout after watching scenes from my favourite kung fu movies, because they tend to make me want to beat something up. Unfortunately, I can only deal my rage out on my pillow, because it doesn't fight back.

After my vigorous exercise, I walked/skipped/performed a random dance routine with strangers/etc to school and spent the next few hours locked in a tiny room with Jay, studying MechTron 3TB4 - and I actually learned something useful: Tron sucks. We also postulated that Jay is a superhero, whose power is to make others around him racist. I started off the year with a resolution not to swear, and somehow, Jay has subconciously influenced me so every other word out of my mouth is fuck, and the other is nigger/chink/wop/etc.


I headed over to Thode, bothered Hobo and Christian who happened to be doing very important studying, and eventually decided to message Nik about a random bus adventure. 20 minutes later, we were on a bus headed to the middle of nowhereville.

We stopped at the end of the line, at some cool-looking park. There were greenhouses (with broken windows, probably dudes out for MJ), an outdoor auditorium, and a fountain. East Hamilton is sketchy. Some girl was making out with her boyfriend in the auditorium, then told me I couldn't smoke crack or she'd call the police. Then she said, "Just kidding. But seriously, if you have some, share. Just kidding." I attempted to escape by jumping a fence (badly), and I heard her say, "Oh my GAWD that guy just committed suicide! Just kidding." Fuck East Hamilton.

We eventually ended up walking around some more, including exploring some back alleys (because two dudes walked out of a back alley isn't sketchy at ALL). We saw a car with slashed tires and got accosted by a hobo. But still, it's safer than the coffee shop in the engineering building. We ended up walking from downtown to an awesome looking cathedral, then hiked alongside the highway for about a half hour. Then we walked all the way back to campus, where the night ended in the Eng Lounge. Badass.

All in all, a pretty good day. My hair is full of woodchips, my hands smell like hobo and birdshit, and my legs feel like they've trekked to Zimbabwe, but at least I've got a night to recover before I pull the same shit tomorrow.

Lint? LINT?!

Goddamn my navel itches. Thanks a lot, doc, for cutting off part of my body, knotting it up, and then sticking it in the closest available hole, which is incidentally the only part of me that could've become an awesome acid sprayer. Asshole.

Adventure Timez

So what's with this weather? For you readers (haha, I have readers?) out there not privileged enough to live in the beautiful North, Mother Nature snorted too much powdered candy, got herself way trashed at the club last night, passed out on Paris Hilton's couch and woke up in Mexico with a one-way ticket to Zimbabwe stuffed into her pink frilly bra. Basically, I wake up one day to astoundingly warm weather (why do I ever NEED clothes?) and then get out of the bed the next morning to my room feeling and smelling like a walk-in fridge at M&M meat shops.

I'm pretty glad I bought that "Engineering" leather jacket now. Fucking groundhog.

In other news, I heard of that earthquake in Italy. I'm actually surprised everything BUT the leaning tower fell down. It just proves to me that we're still stuck in the Matrix. As a result, I've been eating every red pill I can find to escape, but nothing new has appeared except the flying pink unicorns and the hair growing on my boobs.

I could probably climb that shit easily. I mean, what? it's 15 degrees to the vertical, and I can climb pretty much anything. Actually, I was once bit by a radioactive gecko - It gave me greasy skin, the ability to cling to walls, a big fucking mouth, and I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance! Yeah fine, I never said this blog was funny, so fuck off.

Seriously, it's pretty crazy how much random shit is happening. Earthquakes, for one. What the hell, planet Earth? It's like the ground has Parkinson's - take some shit for that, okay? It's bad enough having shitty buildings like that hideous structure my neighbor calls a house, and I really appreciate the destruction, but having my lawn covered in fucking rubble and dead bodies isn't pleasant either. And don't even get me started on volcanoes - I hear Clearasil is pretty good for acne, why don't you take a trip to Shopper's Drug Mart and pick some up?

Actually, you know what WOULD be terrifying? Hybrid disasters. Like a Volnado - a tornado full of volcanoes, just spinning around and shooting fire everywhere. Or a meteorlanche. Or Paris Hilton plus Rosie O'Donnell - WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU!!11!12!!one!!1

Speaking of which, I watched that Paris Hilton show, BFF or something. I know I've been pretty harsh on her before, but I would like to say: Paris, I take back what I said. You're not the dumbest person on earth. That title belongs to anyone who would sign up, humilate themselves, cry on national television, and do other unspeakable horrors, all to hang out with you until you get tired of them. I'm sorry.

Gosh, do I hate people. Things like this are corrupting our youth, while parents blame video games and shit for making kids violent. Seriously, any game that teaches me that I should kick the shit out of zombies is fine by me. Just wait for that post-apocalyptic wasteland and I'll be raging the fuck out of those irradiated bastards.

In conclusion: Fuck salt.