So what's with this weather? For you readers (haha, I have readers?) out there not privileged enough to live in the beautiful North, Mother Nature snorted too much powdered candy, got herself way trashed at the club last night, passed out on Paris Hilton's couch and woke up in Mexico with a one-way ticket to Zimbabwe stuffed into her pink frilly bra. Basically, I wake up one day to astoundingly warm weather (why do I ever NEED clothes?) and then get out of the bed the next morning to my room feeling and smelling like a walk-in fridge at M&M meat shops.
I'm pretty glad I bought that "Engineering" leather jacket now. Fucking groundhog.
In other news, I heard of that earthquake in Italy. I'm actually surprised everything BUT the leaning tower fell down. It just proves to me that we're still stuck in the Matrix. As a result, I've been eating every red pill I can find to escape, but nothing new has appeared except the flying pink unicorns and the hair growing on my boobs.
I could probably climb that shit easily. I mean, what? it's 15 degrees to the vertical, and I can climb pretty much anything. Actually, I was once bit by a radioactive gecko - It gave me greasy skin, the ability to cling to walls, a big fucking mouth, and I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance! Yeah fine, I never said this blog was funny, so fuck off.
Seriously, it's pretty crazy how much random shit is happening. Earthquakes, for one. What the hell, planet Earth? It's like the ground has Parkinson's - take some shit for that, okay? It's bad enough having shitty buildings like that hideous structure my neighbor calls a house, and I really appreciate the destruction, but having my lawn covered in fucking rubble and dead bodies isn't pleasant either. And don't even get me started on volcanoes - I hear Clearasil is pretty good for acne, why don't you take a trip to Shopper's Drug Mart and pick some up?
Actually, you know what WOULD be terrifying? Hybrid disasters. Like a Volnado - a tornado full of volcanoes, just spinning around and shooting fire everywhere. Or a meteorlanche. Or Paris Hilton plus Rosie O'Donnell - WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU!!11!12!!one!!1
Speaking of which, I watched that Paris Hilton show, BFF or something. I know I've been pretty harsh on her before, but I would like to say: Paris, I take back what I said. You're not the dumbest person on earth. That title belongs to anyone who would sign up, humilate themselves, cry on national television, and do other unspeakable horrors, all to hang out with you until you get tired of them. I'm sorry.
Gosh, do I hate people. Things like this are corrupting our youth, while parents blame video games and shit for making kids violent. Seriously, any game that teaches me that I should kick the shit out of zombies is fine by me. Just wait for that post-apocalyptic wasteland and I'll be raging the fuck out of those irradiated bastards.
In conclusion: Fuck salt.
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TSUNAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
ReplyDeleteThat is the weirdest take on being up with current events that I've heard of in a while.
ReplyDeleteAlso Paris Hilton, and ANYTHING involved with her makes me weep. That and it was always a given that she couldn't be the stupidest person in the world, since there exist fans? That ENJOY listening to her and idolize her? Wth?
Woah. Oh gosh, I remember hearing someone on MTV (rather a while ago) saying that Paris Hilton was her role model and I contemplated how completely twisted a person would have to be to see her in that respect. She has all the money, fame, connections and opportunity anyone could hope for. What she's done with her life is such an easy way out. I wonder what she might have been like if she didn't have access to all of that. Oh well, that's for some alternate universe somewhere to know =P
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you open this post. It's very amusing, though I disagree with you. =) I think we deserve everything we get from Mother Nature. We don't exactly treat our planet very well at any rate. Somehow this is how it's meant to be: our beautiful shifting, moving earth breaking out in pimples and throwing tantrums just like we do. Everyone has their break downs... I think Mother Nature is entitled though it's awful that people's lives get thrown away in the crossfire.
I think there's a lot more to say about this, but perhaps not in comment form. =P