Downtown Downtown

I went downtown yesterday with this particular girl who has an uncanny ability to find me wherever I hide. I maintain that it's because she implanted a tracking device under my skin while I was sleeping or distracted.

We took the subway down to Queen St (I held a banana), and checked out Urban Outfitters, where she bought a shirt (from the men's section), and we read a couple books about poop and learned to type on a typewriter by maniacally banging our open palms into the keyboard.

We walked down to the Condom Shack, but left quickly because I feel intimidated and jealous that pieces of silicone can do a better job than me. Instead, we went to the Black Market clothiers - they raised their prices but I still got two shirts, one with Lois Lane being clubbed in the back of the head - MMMPH! - and the other was a skeletal diagram of a torso. I finally polished off the McDonald's cheeseburger that I'd been holding the entire day, while spacegirl chowed down a banana (no innuendo).

We popped into Silver Snail (comics and collectibles) and checked out the cool toys - including dragon plush toys with obvious facial deformities. There were cool LOTR statuettes and lots of comics. I nerded it out pretty well while she rolled her eyes and sighed at me. I is winrar.

Uhm, we went to American Apparel... and the questionably-gay salesman showed us baby versions of their most popular outfits. There were BABY DISCO PANTS. I don't know what kind of parent would torture their kids like that, although I gotta admit my mom used to dress me in purple and yellow, so... anyways, we contemplated kidnapping a couple of asian babies to dress up and send back to their parents.

We also devised my new Halloween costume. Pink polo from American Eagle, slitted sunglasses, crocs, my sister's jeans, and a livestrong bracelet and I can be a douchebag!

One of the best comments came as we passed by a Lush Body Shop - they sell bath soaps and stuff - and they had a 'FREE SCRUB' ad outside the door. Walking in was like stepping into a soap factory - my nose almost died. We decided that the free scrub referred to a stranger giving you a vigorous face-scrubbing with a loofa and left. But before we exited the store, Sparky pointed at a RANDOM slice of brown soap and said, "That looks like your MOM." I lawled for 10 minutes.

Then I sat on a patio eating sammiches in the sunlight with a pretty girl (the waitress, we were at Black Bull on Queen st). So. Win.

And then we walked to Kensington Market. There were many cheese shops and unique clothing stores. I found a shirt that said "I KNOW YOU BRIAN" on the front and HAD to get it, even more so when I saw the back and it read, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST WINTER IN HONG KONG BRIAN LIBERATION FRONT."

We also saw an old man on a bike that was so still he looked like a statue. For some reason, when he actually started moving it was the funniest thing EVER and we both burst out laughing. I'm pretty sure we have some sort of extensive mental damage.

The night ended in the Royal York. We didn't have a room, we just sat in the lobby. She tested my devotion with, "If I were a fingerless, ugly, old and fat retard, would you still love me?"

Then she tickled me until I was gasping like a fish in a desert. She gave me the most retarded hug (straight arms and clapping like one of those cymbal monkeys) and then said she would punch me and steal my soul necklace.

Then it was BAI tyme and I got on the bus to go home. The bus driver told me my ticket was invalid and I'd have to buy another one but by that point I really didn't give a shit.

Hurt kids O YA

I've been getting WAY too much exercise this past week. I've climbed so many monkey bars my hands look like monkey feet.

Every day, I go down to the park, and scale the outside of jungle gyms while little children watch on in stunned curiousity. I'm sure I'm going to be responsible for at least a hundred injured toddlers as they try to vault fences and climb trees with their pudgy little arms.

Someone call the Mystery Machine

I had this really weird dream last night.

I was in my Hamilton house, cleaning my room, and I bumped into the wall. It made this eerie, hollow sound, so I knocked on it again. My room is in the basement, yet it sounded like there was something behind the wall, where there should be only dirt.

Scratching away the paint, I found the outline of a door.

Now, the time frame within the dream takes places when my old housemates still lived with me, so I called for Alex and Lisa (dunno where Allan was). We managed to pry open the door, revealing a long, dark stairwell descending down, deep within the bowels of the earth itself.

It was pitch black, so I pulled out my phone - there's a powerful flashlight built in - and we began our descent. Even with a flashlight, the darkness was overwhelming. Everything outside the light's purvey was black and opaque.

The stairs continued down, then made an abrupt turn, leading to another flight parallel to the first. We continued down three flights, stumbling in the utter, sheer darkness.

Finally, at the bottom, we found a door set into the wall. Carefully opening it, we discovered a narrow corridor, with doors stretching down every wall.

Opening the doors revealed nothing but blank brick walls. One door, however, proved otherwise, and we all entered...

Only to find a perfectly ordinary laundry/furnace room, perhaps a bit dusty, but otherwise, completely innocuous. Shelves lined the walls. We found a pile of clothes, which somehow contained all the clothes we've ever lost or given away. I found a pair of jeans that (in real life) I still have not been able to find.

And on the shelves were boxes of Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I kid you not.

Then I woke up, and went out into the living room, to find Alex and Lisa visiting for the day. Creepy, n'est pas? I told them about my dream, then remembered -wait- wasn't Lisa supposed to be at her cottage today?

Then I woke up again for real, looked up at my ceiling, and said "Dammit" out loud.