I have a job in which I sit and desperately read computer manuals, because the lack of work now somehow ignites a fear in my mind that there will be uncontrollable amounts of work later. In which case I am inviting a disaster, like farting in a submarine. Or hiring a color-blind, dyslexic fashion consultant to pick out my graduation suit.

Outside of work, I really don't have anything to do. There's just this general apathy that takes over me in the summer. My best guess is that during winter, I need to keep my energy up to prevent from freezing to death, but during summer, the combination of warm sun and lack of hard work do that job for me. Like a freakish lizard-baby. A freakish lizard-baby farting in a submarine full of color-blind dyslexics. Only horror can ensue.

In recent news, Archie marries Veronica after a 70-year long love triangle. I'm a prude and even I realize that's way too fucking long to wait. I have always entertained in my mind the thought that Archie was just a comedic version of Hugh Hefner - or just a regular version, since Hugh is obviously already a fucking joke - and would end up with an entire harem of ladies from Riverdale High. I'm surprised his nuts still work, with all the random depraved sex that occurs just off-panel.

BRB

Naked Potato

A conversation:

"Arrrrghhh. Why is it so fucking warm?!"
"Hey, don't swear."
"Jesus, fine!"
"And don't use the Lord's name in vain!"
"Alright. But it's friggin' hot!"
"Well, you are wearing long pants under a down blanket."
"Ugh. My underwear is getting really sweaty."
"That's gross. Take it off."
"What?"
"Just take your pants off."
"But... I'll be naked."
"Yeah, but you're under a blanket."
"My door is open!"
"It's the middle of the night, no one is going to see anything."
"I guess. Ugh, stupid long pants. Stupid underwear. Okay, now I'm naked."
"Haha, I can't believe I convinced you to do that."
"Well, I'm not that hot anymore."
"But now your naked body is all over your bedsheets."
"I'll wash them tomorrow. Plus I'm clean."
"I wonder if anyone else can hear us."
"They're probably sleeping."
"Yeah but I thought I just heard Lise cough."
"She's probably terrified."
"Kristie might hear us, she's just upstairs."
"She's outside doing silly things. That's why the window is closed, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Well, I guess her actions led to me taking off my clothes... That's sort of innuendo."
"Or maybe you're just stupid."
"I'm not stupid. I'm just crazy."
"You're the one who took off your clothes! That's stupid."
"I'm really hungry is what I am. I want food."
"What, at... 2 a.m.?"
"Yeah. But I'm too tired to make anything..."
"How about chips, do you have any chips?"
"Ugh, I don't want to eat chips. Salt and stuff all over my PJs."
"You're not in your PJs. You're naked."
"Oh. You're right."

So I spent a good hour sitting naked in my bed eating potato chips. Talking to myself.

Work

I have a job.

It doesn't involve sharks or dinosaurs, and there are no lasers except those in the printers. But I sit around and do technical stuff and talk about swine flu (H1N1 = Hini = Heinie, geddit?).

I was doing some ip work on one of the office computers when my mouse started moving by itself. I thought I was hallucinating but then it began opening random windows and I freaked out a little bit. After my coworkers had revived me by shoving Ritalin down my throat and called a guy to repair the photocopier, I went back to the computer, only to find A MESSAGE waiting for me.

"Dig forty paces north of the statue of the praying woman," it said. I bought a shovel, and spent the next hour burrowing through worm-rotted corpses of the long-ago dead, before I found a jade ring with the inscription, "To my beloved Alice, may the wind take you swiftly."

Okay no I don't work in Silent Hill.

I Wish I Could Wear Monocles

I always thought forte sounded like some sort of drink. It would be a drink pretentious people would order - like a grande forte - and would be filled with all sorts of expensive sounding things, like Guava Extract, Fufuberry Juice, and the anal glands of Persian cats.

Maybe it's just the 'é' at the end of the word. Grand-ay. Fort-ay. I don't think people understand that to speak pig latin, you need to move the first letter to the end of the word. But considering all the hype about the swine flu, I can understand why people are being a little cautious. I was surprised too. I mean, people always told me that pigs couldn't fly, and now everyone is talking about swine flew.

Ramen noodles look like big blonde pubic hairs.